The best, worst day of my life

I have been working on this post for 2 1/2 months.  Even though I already wrote about Isaac's birth story, I left something out.  It was hard to find the words.... but here they are.



I will never cease to be amazed by the power of the Lord and the way he leads our life.

 My father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer six years ago.  At the time, the doctors told him he maybe had a few months to live.  This happened the same week we shared with our families we had decided to build our family through adoption and had signed with an agency.  The agency we were working with had a 6-12 months placement estimate once your home study was approved.  Dad wished to live long enough to see us be chosen.  It took 12 months for us to get from choosing an agency to being chosen.  We had 6 weeks until our daughter was due and we all had a new wish for Dad...for him to meet Kaylee.

Six weeks flew by and about an hour after Kaylee was born, my father-in-law was holding our daughter, his only granddaughter, in his arms.  It is an image I will never forget.

Over the years, Dad fought a difficult battle.  He kept setting goals and he kept meeting them.  For six years, he had treatments almost every week.  At the end of last year, he began having difficulty eating.  In October he went into the hospital needing fluids and IV nutrition.  December 28th, he went back into the hospital for another round of fluids and nutrition.  January 3rd, we went and spent time with him before traveling for Isaac's birth.  We were both sad about being away from Dad for so many days.  We could not wait to come back to see him with our newest addition.  After Isaac's birth on January 4th, John texted a picture to our sister-in-law, who was visiting Dad.  He was so happy and excited to see a picture of the baby!  Everything in life seemed just perfect.........

The evening of January 5th, John received a call that Dad's organs were shutting down and he may not make it through the night.  We could not believe the news!!!  My heart simply broke.  We made the difficult decision that John would travel back home to be with the family and I would stay at the hospital to be with Isaac and his birthmother.  It was so hard to focus on supporting her and continuing to build a relationship while wanting to be somewhere else.  I felt so guilty feeling happy about our son one minute and then would feel guilty about being sad the next.  It was a terrible fight of emotions and I have never felt so alone.

The morning of January 6th, Dad passed.  That night, we signed papers to adopt our son and brought him home.  It truly was the best, worst day of my life.  I am so thankful for the time we had with Dad.  I am happy Kaylee has so many memories of her Papa.  I feel so blessed Dad was able to see a picture of Isaac and knew he was a healthy, beautiful boy.

When we first came home, it was very hard for me to be calm and focused on talking care of a new baby.  I shut down my emotions and would not allow myself to grieve.  Taking care of a newborn and a four-year-old takes so much energy and there was nothing left of me to spare.  Kaylee has been having a difficult time dealing with the loss.  I think helping her get through it has also helped me.

I am glad I have finally found the words and could share this part of our story.  It may have been the best, worst day of our lives... but we are so blessed!